Roots

a cabin in the woods you are. surrounded by trees, surrounded by stolen childhoods, young broken livelihoods, and surrounded by nature's books. you look up from your feet and you see it right there, quick grab it kid” the leaves whispered softly. i responded “what is it you see? I’m looking, I’m searching, but i can’t find it” a gust of wind came and blew the leaves of the trees. Curiosity with a dose of fear became me. “follow, follow my dear or you’ll miss it all” whispered the leaves. “you mustn’t take your time chances like these don’t come often,” said the wind as it blew past me lifting the leaves once more to take flight. i watched them a breeze and i felt a pull at me ankles pressure around my knees as i tried to lift my feet, a pull so strong it felt as if i wasn't trying at all. ahold so tight it made me look weak, hopelessly fragile. a grip unmasked to any others hands that have been laid upon me. Even to i was my body a foreign land, even i was sent in exile, even to i was my soul hidden away, nowhere to be found. i then picked up my arms and reached out, desperately into open space non-existing arms as if for some hopefully desired reason something- someone would help me to freedom. but alas foolish was i, nobody is out here with me nobody is searching for me, nobody desires to rescue me, nobody even knows I’m lost inside gone.

this is somewhere you can't find on a map. this is somewhere that you don’t speak about. this is somewhere nobody can see. this is somewhere unknown. this is somewhere you don’t know exists. this is somewhere within nowhere. this is somewhere until you get there. but here is where i find myself now tugging at the roots that hold me down, pulling every which way to try and break them. desperately trying anything to undo the tug. with passion i cry out, i scream so loudly the ground trembles and the trees shake. so loudly birds fly away, so loudly my body vibrates. so loudly I’m running out of breath clenching my fists till they bleed. but i can never seem to hear a thing. why is it that i can’t hear my own voice? why can’t i hear my screams? why do everything and everyone hear it but me, why do everything and everyone feel it but me? the power i don’t know i have, the strength i confuse for weakness, loneliness only cured with knowing myself. the passions i cover up with cardigans seeing them as flaws. a destination already found, a treasure never lost, a cage never locked. a memory that was never forgotten- just hidden. i begin wondering why it’s always so silent, why it’s always so lonely, why I’m a traveler with no compass, a ship with no sail. a bay with no harbor. a lion with no roar. a butterfly with no wings. the purpose i was distant from like a child on the beach too mesmerized and afraid by the waves and deep vastness to decide if he wants to step closer..if he wants to let the tide wash over his feet. if he wants to go in, If he wants the cold water to touch his knees if he wants to trust the endless deep, if he wants to enjoy the steep and leave his peak. what will he choose? his ability to softly speak or his meek desire to be weak? wanting but never moving, desired but never any will power, freedom inclosed in a bottle, too afraid to let it go, too worried to not need to protect it, to keep it safe. to make it stay, caged up so it won’t wash away. Like the color from his face. -the unowned and unknown, is there ever an escape? Because for me there has always been a delay. a dream i long to awake, a stolen ambition i finally want to embrace, an ending that came before the beginning i wish to remake. if i step out of these secret trees, through theses lively leaves will who i was destined to be, made for me come to save me? safe within these barriers i crave flowers finally allowing sufficient waters of my ocean to flourish from what they create? My beautiful cascades i was too afraid to embellish in so i refrained. - will all of these still remain?

i still remember wishing you had stayed as you took everything i homemade. how plentiful but pitiful was my heart to continue to chase that which was always fake, but i will now learn to let it all drain and fade, waste away. all of these questions and all of these endless thoughts circulating and spinning as if to show off for someone to impress a crowd engulfs me at all times, i want it out i truly do, but somehow my soul wants to stay, wants to linger like fog and that’s what i never say, all i feel is blame, if i leave this horrible place ...this traumatic story and take the first step to heal, I’ve then lost everything, my identity, my safe place, my heart and head, my soul, my only loyal companion, my tears and fears, my whole life, my comfort and my hero. . . i can’t leave this behind, i don't have it in me, and now i am crying as i write because I’m not sure why it breaks my heart and rips my soul out to let go of the pain - that is MY way of life this is the only thing i know and trust, abuse in every damn way for YEARS, for my whole life, i can’t just walk away. i only had and have myself in those and these defeating and fleeting moments. each second and each day after all those forms of abuse i became a different version of myself. a different shade. i was never the same thing twice. every second those occurrences metamorphosed me into a different person. i am 19 years old living in 6935 versions of myself that i had to be or take on for survival. What people made me be, what i was punished for if Ii resisted. versions to be able to cope in my young ages, developmental ages, teen ages, young adult ages. - i never had a childhood. for me letting go of this way of life like a balloon you watch float up to the sky having unknown possibilities and unfathomable freedom, letting go of this only being what i know is terrifying.

i open my eyes back up to see the leaves again, the flowers and trees again, the butterflies and bees again. i look down at the roots trapping my feet into the ground and whisper “i mustn’t keep watering you, though beautiful and full of life you are i must learn to be at peace in watching you pass away like a season i once loved. i must learn to be at peace by teaching myself how to be free, how to be me. I’m sorry to watch you leave my favorite massive tree but there are beauty and strength in being a soft delicately blooming flower too. i must water these gardens within and enjoy watching them flourish i must cease trying to control the endless waves of oceans within my soul as if I’m the moon. i must let my clipped wings have the time and patience to heal, i must learn to enjoy the cacoon and all the pretty phases, i must learn to not only find the stars and moon in the night sky magical and marvelous but the clouds and the sun during the day just the same. i must let my soul, heart, mind, and feelings run through fields of daisies as a child playfully and joyfully, with the innocence of fairytales and happy endings, laughter, freedom, and new beginnings. instead of running away, i must allow myself to run excitedly to the pools of pastel dreams to the pursuit of feel like a newborn flower in the wind- feeling it for the first time knowing it for the first time, wavering but not withering for the first time. believing in it for the first time. loving and longing for it for the first time. so trees, leaves, hanging branches predator filled woods, and to my loyal, life-sustaining, and all i know roots. . . i must say goodbye. i must let you loose. time to watch you transform into the small but powerful delicate but still remaining strong flower you were always born to be. a flower of YOUR choosing, endless choices vibrant colors, enjoy your phases little one. you were always there just overgrown upon, seed yet to be sprouted, water yet to be poured, fervently awaiting to live off the sunlight.”

a cabin in the woods you were, but now a cottage in flower-filled fields and endless freeing plains. and my favorite. . .look to the northeast, an ocean not only increased but allowed to release. My beloved happily and passionately go live YOUR life and love your story- for just like the ocean is deep and scary but one of the most astonishingly yet beautiful scenes to ever see, you may tell your story now with glee. no need to flee my dear, take that leap, desire the endless deep, it’s time to let your purple prose free.

from my heart to yours truly,

Chloe-Marie