one of your greatest hurts
my therapist asked me today in session: "what is one of the greatest hurts you felt from your father?" and as i wince and tense from hearing those words i stare at the bookshelf behind him on the wall trying to even attempt just picking a single one out from my whole life. i stared blankly at the books thinking about how some people don't appreciate their beauty or take care of them when they are in their possession. they often come back damaged and disregarded, yet no matter how ripped or crumbled they become, the words upon those ruined pages still remain beautiful and hold the most intensifying value. as my eyes begin to water up, my face showing them up, and my body burning my insides and heart up i look down at my shoes. and then i slowly put my hair behind my left ear and look up at him and in a crackling voice i utter the words: " one of the greatest pains my father gave me was teaching me that everybody has a right to my body and could do as they pleased with me". the tears come falling down my face as i mourn the loss of never owning my own body, and my therapist did what he often does every session when i say something so heartbreakingly brutal and cruel. he looked at me with empathetic sadness and grief-filled eyes trying to speak but he could only manage to utter an emotional sincere and solemn groan of deep heartfelt misery. i always understand in that genuinely felt silence. the "i have no words for that type of loss, but ill sit here and feel it with you, and help you make another step whether it be forward or backward, i am here for you chloe, you are incredibly wise and strong, and you are so deeply validated and your words are undeniably cared for." type of understanding. heart-to-heart.
and i begin to wonder. . . maybe i am like a book after all
- 19 years of age in front of one of my heroes