Another day not pleasing you

Why do we have hope? it’s a waste when you don’t even feel like living, the days just come and go like waves, empty but holding all that weight, all different yet still the same. how am I supposed to be excited when everything’s dull. I know you’re supposed to find courage but what if I don’t want it anymore, what if I dont need it anymore. what if I can do it but I just can’t find a reason to anymore. yeah, sure some will miss something of me, but it will all eventually fade too, just like these days. they ask me to find a way to eliminate these problems, eliminate these pains. find the cause of it all, but there’s only one solution- but they get mad when I embrace what they’ve asked of me. they should think before they speak. I don’t know what they want honestly because I’m doing what they ask but then they beat me down like in a criminal for my thoughts, push me down like a slave at their request. they drown me down into the abyss that they just ordered me to surface from, to fly sky high when they are the very ties holding me down. please tell me how any of this is possible to recover from when all theyre doing is just raising the gun to my head and asking me to pull the trigger with my hands tied. but they do not see the truth or the proof, they are blind to it of course, thinking thats what I want thinking that’s what I’ll do just to spite them. but the truth is this: I’d actually do it to escape them to not anguish them to relieve them.. but shhhh

-me at 14 losing all that “hope”