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Cliff Side

I can’t imagine a life with you in it. -present in it.

You always cried empty tears. Emotionalless heart break. You knew how to draw me near to take care of you because your husband wouldn’t. But in a way you built my heart up to being how strong it is now. You tore me to pieces a million times everyday. But with each break a new unnoticed strength formed with in the deep cuts of my forgotten and unloved heart. You taught me how to be alone. How to be everybody else’s need and shoulder to cry on. But denied me the pleasure of knowing myself. Denied me the pleasure of knowing comfort, denied me love. You taught me how to see the endings before the beginnings. How to see the shadows before the people. How to see the scars before the beauty. You taught me to be undeserving of myself, of my heart, of my mind, and of love. You taught me shamefullness resentlesly. You taught me embarrassment always. And you taught me brokenness constantly. Instead of showing me how to bloom with grace like a flower, you showed me how to become hallowed out like a dead crippled tree. You taught me how to see the ugly in everything before any beauty. And that beauty was deserving of anybody else but me. You taught me silence and punishment remarkably well. You perfected the art of hurting me in your favorite ways. You convinced me of hopeless dreams and evil wonder. You taught me how to always feel the cut before the mending. How to willingly put myself forward for pain and danger. Taught me that that was my calling and desire. You showed me how to abandon myself as you so easily did since I was born. You showed me the ways of apathy instead of emotion and feeling. You taught me how to lock myself up, how to hold my heart captive and to only let it free within abusing and dangerous realities. You showed me the endless ropes of self sabotage. You showed me how to desire pain and punishment for myself. You taught me how to be vague. How to be a robot. Everyday you showed me a different muted version of how to be a sad soul endlessly. I started out with vibrant colors of the rainbow, with every shade of beauty and you slowely, with time toned me darker and till i was bland. you colored over me with browns, and greys, blackoned over my pastels. You showed me how to let go of fantasies and fairytales. How to let a child’s heart go and a dream scape mind leave like time I was destined to lose. You muted me all the way down to cracked shades of pales. Smeared me across a canvas and created the darkness of my soul. The brokenness you would happily cause. The guiltless drawing of you mastering me like a puppet. The author of my nightmares I never could fathom up on my own. I fell down a whole when I was born, into your mad treacherous wonderland. I was a version of Alice that you took deeper. That you had made before I came to life. Your preconceived perfect little daughter that y’all molded into a beautiful afterthought. You cut me up and snipped away the parts you didn’t like. The person I was ferociously born to be. You shattered my purpose and craftily formed me into a slave manipulating my power and free will. You made me your demolished prisoner, and the sickest part is you convinced me i liked it. You convinced me that i needed it that way. You convinced me of a broken life, told me i would love it, showed me how to turture myself. How to betray the reckoning of my ocean wave passions, the strength of my languished soul. You taught me how to lock the real me up, how to chain myself up willingly,how to abandon my identity,how to ignore the pain of it as you pulled tighter each day, "a little more" you said. "Just a little tighter." What i learned very quickly though was that your definition of little was much, much different from everybodys else's little. Yours ment, deminish smaller and smaller untill no longer seen, until no longer existing. Until youv'e beaten my soul so far down, that you cant even see it, even feel it. Its hanging on to my ankles desprately, eroded away, as i dangle from the cliff side hopelessley deprived of the will to continue on. Screaming "give me a reason."I have forgotten about resiliance, i lost the will to survive, i lost my voice, it was never there, but hope of it was the only thing i could hear, the only part of me left safe within my mind. Whispers of a different ending, of a diffent story.

I lost my pursuit to find a way out, to find a way to live. I lost the air i was breathing in, it was sipped out of me aggresively, a tap inserted, shoved in to my fragile guarded heart. And just like a Maple tree, i poured, and poured, and pourd, you let out all my dignity, all my innocence, all my value. You drained me entirely and whole-heartedly, you enjoyed sucking the colors out of me, you celebrated in the slow torturous decay ofmy heart. You stole me completely. Your malevolence was your favorite trait about yourself, you fed it constantly, entertained the evil of your soul playfully, and with love. You only flourished in wickedness, you couldnt handle yourself outside of darkness. So you recreated that world of insanity and evil around me, to keep you fed and alive you taunted me with ice cold vicious nightmares. You fed over stripping my goodness away piece by piece. My screams were lullabies to your ears, my weaping was your most favorite film, my numbness killed me, but i hid it from you. My fight challenged you, my grueling stanima threatened you. And my still gentel, innocent, humble heart outraged you. The love you couldnt steal away from me even though i was empty and wasted away like all my potential. despit the unimaginable torment of terrors you put me through, I still remained selflessley submisive, loyal, and loving. I didnt have it in my self to lead with hate, espiciialy if i could be in someones place. take thier pain, gone away, lightly laid..saved. i would in a heartbeat. I would voluntere everytime, id rather suffer silently and humbily than watch it be done, if i can rescue someone or something 1 percent of pain i would do it relentlessley. And thats what frustrated you the most, you tried and tried and tried, but each time i found myself lost in the misery of how broken and evil you are, how lost in the darkness you were. i pitied you and took care of you.while you were killing me i was keeping you alive, you were famished every second without me, needed my pain to show, needed me to become like you. Needed evidence of my pain, evidence of my anger, evidence of my sadness, evidence of my fear. and Finally evidence of my a broken heart. You compulsively needed that evidence and reassurance that you impacted something real, that you did something that mattered. You were starving from my lack of revealing the wweight of you on my soul, of my concealed emotions, of my non-belief of feelings. So, with pasion you must go on, go on until you slaughter me completely, go on until you whipe me clean, go on until im gone. as if i never existed,but what you didnt realize... is i never really did, since birth youve had a hold on me and built a wall to prevent who i was from truly ever coming in, you eraced evey trace of my character and dreams off my heart. took away my wants and disires, caged my soul and mind. the dwindling mercurial thief of my story..... But you cant abolish a story that hasnt began yet, can you?

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