Submerged

Why did you take everything from me, why did you do it so easily and so beautifully. Convincing me that I deserved the kind of heartbreak you should never feel before you’re 20, the type of pain that you can’t even try to heal because you think its supposed to be felt like this- that this is normal to have everything taken from you and hide it within the words of love. You told me that love was rejecting me everyday that it was ignoring me everyday that love was about me sitting quietly in the corner falling apart with every second that goes by that you don’t notice me at all, listening to your complaints and your tragic conceited point of views. You taught me that love was never self- fulfilling, that it was only about giving everything you have out like it was nothing, like it was for free, like I deserved to feel empty afterwards. You taught me that love was just me silently crying on the floor curled up inside myself without anyone there for me, while you were out with your friends everyday, ignoring me for hours and days, while you were having the time of ur life I was falling more and more apart and the worst part about it was that you taught me that I deserved that. That I deserved to be alone, that I deserved to be broken, that I deserved to feel this empty. That I deserved to only feel pain.

You made me feel like drowning in the deep, dark, terrifying, and lonely blue abyss. you made me fantasize about disappearing into nothingness in any and every way possible. Dreaming of standing on the edge of the dock with nothing holding me back from fading away, and everything and everyone telling me to jump. The feeling of jumping and hitting the surface was freeing, at least I could feel this, at least I could feel the cold fresh water hitting my face like broken cold glass, filling my lungs and hair pulling it every which way under the surface falling deeper into this lonely paradise. Feeling the water trace out my body and wrap around me with such force and heaviness pulling me down under, deeper and deeper into its peaceful darkness. Feeling the water outline every feature, filling me up with itself..holding me the way you never did, at least it was something that didn’t make me feel empty, something was all I needed I didn’t care about what it was I just needed to feel something, I just needed to feel anything but nothing.

Pain is addicting when its all you know, its like growing up around addicts and seeing that the only way to get through things, the only way to escape from reality was to have that crutch. How are you not supposed to turn into the things that are around you all the time. Living a life of fear is terrifying and burdensome, imagine fearing so much that you can’t even tell someone no, can’t tell anybody what’s wrong with you. Imagine the only thing you know is silence, when something hurts? Silence. When something bothers you? Silence. When something scares you? Silence. When something worries you? silence. When you’re falling apart? Silence. When you don’t know anything? Silence. When you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs? Silence. When you feel like you’re collapsing into yourself like a dying star? You feel like you're dying don’t you..? Silence. When you feel absolutely nothing?…silence. When you feel everything at the same time though? Silence. When you’re so void you don’t know what being alive even feels like anymore? Silence... See the deadliest killer among us all isn't cancer, it isn't serial killers, its not even pain, its silence.